Also, as you know, I love love love your list-making self. Lists yay!

The dichotomy of my confidence lately has centered around trying to be a proactive playwright, trying to do everything I can to move me and my work forward. And this weekend I began to see that I’ve been avoiding doing so locally, which should seem weird and it is in a way. Thinking that I don’t fit in locally for some reason. All this came up over the weekend at a theatre retreat and thankfully there was a fellow artist pushing me to face what I was doing. Truth be told it made me feel a bit “bad” for lack of a better word. It’s not that I’m self-sabotaging, but that I’m not giving myself a chance, taking risks for what I think is fear of rejection. The narrative I’ve been telling myself is that my work doesn’t fit at X theatre or they know my work and aren’t interested or they aren’t interested in unproven playwrights with no track record.

So I feel like my introverted self–I was massively introverted as a child–is manifesting itself in how I try and promote my work, myself and make connections for my career. I don’t have much advice except to say that acknowledging my introverted side is just the first step. I’m coming up with a list of people to reconnect with and before my next retreat in July I’ve promised my peer that I will be working to connect with more people locally. I need steps, listed out, measurable steps to hold myself accountable to. Whether or not anything will come of it is another issue all together. But I am committed to trying. So perhaps that is what I can offer you–articulate a step that pushes you to go beyond your comfort zone toward your goal and take it. Good luck!

Self-deprecation is a terrible habit–I’m working on fixing this too. Not easy. It’s so much more comfortable to point the spotlight away from ourselves.

I’m getting better, but overall still not very good at inviting people out to one-on-one or small, safe-feeling group events, because I’m terrified of rejection. I flash back to the time in dancing when I was 12 and a girl in my class was crying and everyone else in class crowded around to comfort her, and when I dared to do the same, another girl mouthed “go away” at me.

And sometimes I psyche myself out of going to social events because my anxiety just builds up all day, and then I’m worried I get the reputation of being a flake or being unfriendly. I’m terrible at entering and exiting conversations, so “mingling” is just horrifying. I grew up making self-deprecating jokes as a way of dealing with all of this, and that doesn’t quite work with people who don’t know you who will end up thinking you’re a total downer. I’d love to stare at my phone with any of you at a party… I’ve got cat photos!

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts!

And just a page from my own try-and-try-again script: When I received my rejection notice from Berkeley J-School, I went out that night and started putting together the best piece of radio journalism I’ve ever produced. I had two words for Berkeley after making that piece: Fuck you! I didn’t fret that rejection because I transcended it by being as awesome as I fucking can be.

You’re right, Liz: there are no god damn leagues! There are no standards except those you set for yourself. It’s trite, but do the work that matters most to you, that thrills and challenges you, and fuck everybody who dismisses it. It’s not about them. It’s not for them. It’s for you. It’s your creation. It’s you.

That’s my rant, practical or not.